An edited version was published in 'The Hindu' open page in Feb 2012.
I
was recently invited to give a presentation in a seminar organised by a school
in Coimbatore about parenting in the digital age. I am not a qualified child
psychologist. Neither can I claim expertise in guiding parents in their role as
parents. The only qualification that I can think of - I am a mother of 3
children who have grown into adorable adults – and I cannot take the entire
credit for this impressive achievement. But today, that seems to be the only
achievement I can boast of in 46 years!!
For
starters, having 3 children is enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows. I normally
don’t hide my age or the fact that I have 3 children. And people always give me
an incredulous look - I can’t tell if it is the
‘come on- you – must - be – crazy’ kind of disbelief, or ‘wow- how
–on-earth-did-you-manage-raising-3- kids’ kind of admiration! But I love that moment- when I
reveal the great truth and see the recipient mentally calculate my age in
proportion to that of my eldest son.
I stepped into the role of a mother with equal
ignorance as I had done into that of a wife. The idea of 3 children was my
husband’s - he is an only child and felt duty bound to make up for the lapse on
his parents’ part. And since planning of
any kind is alien to me- leave alone family planning, I willingly embraced
motherhood, having 3 children in 7 years.
I
became a parent when I was 19 years old!! That is the time most teenagers today
rack their brains studying for engineering exams, preparing for CAT or dreaming
of a Masters degree in a well known university abroad. And I stumbled into
motherhood uninitiated and unprepared as it were.
Anyways,
whatever age one chooses to become a parent, fact remains that raising a child
can never be taught....it is a process that one learns along the way, and the path
is fraught with pain and joy in equal measure.
One needs patience, perseverance and stoic acceptance.
Babies are relatively easier to look after, if
you ask me. All they need is - to be fed on time, their diapers changed when
wet, be put to sleep and wake up at will. It is in the ‘terrible twos’ that the
woes of the parents start. Toddlers are ‘cute’ for an outsider but a handful
for the parent. They have to be potty- trained, force- fed, baby-talked and
protected from mishaps waiting to happen. They seem like angels only when they
are asleep!
Teenagers
are a nightmare in comparison though. Atleast young kids can be admonished and
yelled at when they don’t behave. But teenagers can give you a hard time with
their defiance, disrespect and mood swings. And then of course, raising a
daughter has its own set of challenges. We want to protect them from the big
bad world and watch over their whereabouts; ensure that they don’t fall into
bad company; lecture them on late nights and the lurking dangers in pubs; fret
about their clothes (or lack of them) – and be considered old fashioned pests
who never understand them!
Add
to this the stress of getting children into a good school for which admissions
are booked even when they are in the womb and tutoring them till they come to a
class when we can no longer teach them math or science. 10th and 12th
have the board exams looming large like a formidable demon that has to be held
by its horns. And parents go into a self imposed exile shunning tv, friends and
any social activity for a few months, vicariously living through the ordeal of
their children. Then begins a mad scramble for application forms, entrance
exams, professional courses, universities, admissions and capitation fees. A lot of work, let me tell you!
But
a few decades ago, parenting somehow seemed a cake-walk! How else would you
explain couples having 5 and 8 and 12 children as a matter of routine? It was
not uncommon to have the mother and daughter pregnant at the same time- without
feeling embarrassed at the prospect of a child born along with its aunt or
uncle!! We now shudder at the thought!!
Parenting
then was not taken too seriously, I think. It was a joint effort – with
grandparents, aunts and uncles freely chipping in to raise children. And
parents were not too sensitive or possessive about their children – it was okay
to have them disciplined by a relative in the family.
I am the 5th child after 4 brothers
and don’t remember being disciplined by either of my parents. We were all
brought up by our grand-mothers and an aunt who lived with us. And our mother never once defended our
misbehaviour or resented the interference from her in-laws. And I think we grew
up to be reasonably good individuals who understand people’s idiosyncrasies and
are tolerant to their quirks- exposed as we were to various such characters in
our childhood.
To
me, parenting means being there for your child. Do what it takes to ensure your child gets the
best out of life; understand that each
child is different and celebrate that difference; never compare the child with
its siblings/ cousins/friends; recognise their interests that may not always be
in sync with yours; foster their individuality; nurture their talent; tell them
it’s okay to make mistakes; teach them to learn from their mistakes; love,
adore, hug and kiss them; cook for them and clean after them; teach them the
simple pleasures of life – such as going out for a walk to the beach, chatting
with grandparents, sharing their thoughts , enjoying a home- made meal with
everyone; and above all don’t pretend to be their friend – they already have
them- just be a good parent without trying too hard.
My
eldest son was never into academics – he loathed studies and enjoyed playing
outdoors, tennis, swimming and music. Ditto with my daughter – she loved theatre
and dancing. My son started music lessons when he was 7 years old – he holds a
Masters in classical music today and is a promising veena artist. He is 27 and
has decided to make music his living. My daughter is a classical dancer who has
dabbled in english theatre as an actor and in movies as an assistant director.
But she was never keen on music – would always dodge music lessons and ensure
that the teacher was frustrated enough to give up! My last son is the only one
who did the predictable – a brilliant student, he excelled in school and is now
pursuing electronics and instrumentation in BITS, Pilani. But he studied
despite us....we never forced any of our children to study hard or top the
class. I would go to their school only twice a year for PTA meetings. Never stressed over their performance. Never compared notes with other parents, leave
alone with other children. Never lost sleep over their marks. I am not sure if
my attitude was good or bad – and I am certainly not suggesting that it is the
ideal. But my heart swells with pride when I see the three of them so close to
each other- with no comparisons or complexes, taking pride in one another’s
choices and looking out for one another’s welfare. And I choke each time
someone compliments me on what wonderful children I have- how happy, warm and
affectionate they are!
Today,
parenting is a challenge. Parents give more than the child needs and on the
flip side expect much more than the child can possibly do. I find a lot of
children unable to hold a conversation with real people – unless they are on
sms/ chat/ skype/ g-talk or whatever.
Most of their time is spent in attending classes – tuition, dance,
music, skating, even story- telling! Today’s children get the best of
everything- education, gadgets, clothes, gizmos, holidays, pocket money.....but
do they really have a childhood??
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